When you are afraid, you start going into fight or flight mode. Your body starts prioritising what is needed for immediate survival - screw routine body functions, if you don't make it past the next few moments there won't be a routine to return to. You stop digesting food. Cell repair slows or stops. You stop producing saliva, which is why your mouth goes dry when you're nervous just before making a speech or going into a difficult conversation. Your heart rate and breathing increase to ensure better blood flow. A cocktail of hormones like epinephrine and oxytocin are cued up and produced, which amplifies your body's ability to act (and remarkably, in the case of oxytocin, reminds you to seek help).
Don't be mistaken about what happens when you feel fear. Your body is readying itself to help you face what you fear in the way it knows how.
What causes us to feel fear?
1) Fear occurs to us unconsciously. Do you pause to think, hey, very angry looking snake! Maybe I should be scared. Of course not, it would be too late! Fear becomes much clearer when we examine what happens inside your brain. When you are afraid, the fear/anger/aggression/anxiety centre of your brain - the amygdalas (get used to this name, it's gonna keep popping up) lights up. And we've covered all the changes that happen in your body: your blood pressure, your hormones, your heart-rate. But remember how amygdala is like a train interchange with direct routes to different parts of your brain? There is a direct neural link between our amygdala and your pre-frontal cortex, the rational thinking part of your brain. And if we look closely enough or we think things through, sometimes we realise, argh! it's not an angry snake, it's just a prank toy that your annoying friend had thrown at you. Or if you've handled angry snakes enough times, your amygdala does not light as much. Your blood pressure and your heart rate do not increase as much, you realise what you need to do is to stay calm and slowly back away.
Finally, notice how fear, anger, aggression, and anxiety are processed by the same part of the brain, the amygdala. This is no coincidence. These 4 emotions are closely tied to one another; aggression maybe triggered because one is nervous, angry, or fearful. Being fearful may cause one to react angrily, as a self-defense mechanism. Fear, like all our emotions, happens to us. Mostly, we can't control how it originates. But we can control how it develops by understanding what exactly is causing fear and by choosing the response that dispels it
2) We fear what we are unconfident or uncertain about. Think back on your ancestors doing something they weren't confident or certain off - hunting a massive animal without a weapon, or eating a berry they've never seen before. Doing so would mean a very high chance of seriously harming themselves. Today, after many cycles of evolution, we have been wired based on these experiences.
Think about it. Are you ever fearful of something you've done before, and are good? Brushing your teeth, putting on your clothes, indulging in your favourite hobby (whatever it is)? Of course not. You know you can perform these functions easily. You are confident.
But many of us would have felt fearful and anxious the first time we ventured into something new: using a pair of chopsticks, riding a bicycle, swimming, going on a first date. We were uncertain about these functions, and we were not confident about performing them. However, once we have demonstrated to ourselves that we are able to perform these tasks, we are no longer afraid. The same applies to more challenging tasks. Some of us struggle with: public speaking, starting a business, having a very difficult conversation with the CEO... You are uncertain and unconfident if you can succeed. But once you have proven to yourself you are able to do it, even for the more challenging tasks, you are no longer afraid. People might start off feeling scared about public speaking, but after speech 3797, you're pro The catch, of course, is that sometimes, we are too scared to start.
Even if we were certain of something OR confident about something, many of us will still feel some amount of fear. We might be theoretically certain how we should use a pair of chopsticks, but if we have never succeeded in using them properly, we remain unconfident and will still feel nervous if we had to use them, especially when others are observing. You might also be confident about
3) we fear what is painful. Boxer. climbing 100 flights of stairs or doing 100 burpees. But pain is not just physical but mental. Failure is painful. Being judged is painful.
This is why you procrastinate. You either fear what you have to do bevause you don't know how to do it (you don't fear brushing your teeth for example), or you fear doing something becaue you know it will be effortful
4) we fear what we cannot control
Learn more about your amygdala, the amygdala hijack, the thalamus, the pre-frontal cortex, and how your brain works here.
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Summary:
- Fear and anxiety (and anger + aggression) are always
Design Your Life
Design your life
Try This!
It's pretty hard as it is to write a good life story. But sometimes, certain beliefs creep in that makes this all the more difficult. Do these sound familiar?
Find you passion and pursue it!
Sounds pretty good eh? But we saw in the "Learning from Others" examples that it is not useful to think about "finding" your passion. Stanford's research from thousands of interviews back this up. More than 80% of people do not know what their passion is.
You should know by now what you want. You should start a family by age X, buy a house and car by age Y, have enough retirement funds by age Z.
We know this is not true. Empirically, Vera Wang, Julia Child, Colonel Sanders and many others found their purpose and success only in later in life. But more importantly, this is such an unconstructive way of thinking about your life. How can this possibly help you? Sometimes, some of us just need to take a longer time to search and experience. Sometimes, life just isn't smooth sailing. Sometimes, luck might not smile on some of us. But don't give up on yourself for random societal norms - you are unique and there can only be one you! Or as Bill Burnett shares:
"You are where you are. Start from where you are. You’re not late for anything. Don't should on yourself!"
Be the best version of yourself you can be
The catch here is the assumption that there is a single "best" version of you.
Try this thought experiment. Imagine yourself being able to live multiple lives. Is there really only one path you can take that is meaningful and makes you satisfied or happy? Or several? I can personally think of a few myself. I would love to be a teacher in one life. While I'm not good enough to play at the highest level, I would love to be a rugby pundit in another live. And also a writer. And an entrepreneur. And a ethologist. And a neuroscientist. Stanford has also done research in this area. For most of us, there between 7-8 possible lives which would be interesting and meaningful for us on average. Each of these options will be a life well led. Why do we need to determine which one is exactly the best? Besides, is there anyway to know?
Again, Bill Burnett shares:
“The unattainable best is the enemy of all the available betters”
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Ok great, so this Burnett fellow has some wisecracks for what not to do. But what is it that we can do to "Design a Better Life"?
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Burnett's office sees this as a 5 part design process. The first 2 parts - 1) connecting the dots between who you are, what you believe, and what you do; and 2) avoiding gravity problems are pretty generic, so I'll leave you to find out more via the video or the online module (link below).
The latter 3 parts are immediately actionable and make a lot of sense to me. These are:
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Ideation - coming up with possibilities. Think of 3 possible lives that you want to live. There is some science behind why "3" lives. 2 seems to limit and you might simply pick the least bad option. More than 3 and you might face choice paralysis, and not be able to pick eventually. If you're stuck Burnett suggests these 3 options:
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Life 1: your current life and it goes the best it can be. You do well in the job you’re currently at - is this a life you want to lead?
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Life 2: What you are most likely to do if Life 1 becomes possible, for example, your job was replaced by AI. What sort of life would you lead?
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Life 3: What’s your wildcard plan? What would you do if you had enough money and image was not a problem ( you didn’t care what other people thought). Despite your education or in spite of it, you might want to be a professor or you might want to study butterflies or be a bartender in Bali. What is your wildcard life?
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Often, Life 2 and Life 3 are things that people leave behind in life because we get caught up by societal norms and "busyness". You don't need to tell anyone about your choices at this point, so take the chance to be honest with yourself - ask yourself why is it that these are the lives you have picked.
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Prototype: Prototyping here involves several parts.
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The first is to prototype conversations. There must be someone out there that has been living the life you are in interested in for many years. Someone else is doing that something else which you are interested in. Find the people who are living your future today, and hear about their stories. What does it really take? What does it really give you? What's the sort person you need to become to live this life? Does it still resonate with you?
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The second is to prototype experience. Try doing something small in the lives you have identified in ideation and still resonated after your prototype conversation. Felt experience is more important than hypothesising in your brain.
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And finally, choose. Bear in mind what we went through earlier - don't let the unattainable best be the enemy of attainable betters. Don't kill yourself with the worry that there is one correct answer. If you are worried about committing your entire life to this decision, set a timeline for yourself to try it out. And actually prioritise trying it out.
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In short, Get curious. Talk to people, Try stuff.
- You can find more information at Stanford's Life Design website
- On their resources page, you can sign for an online module. This is a simple, "at your own pace" module, which guides through the 5 step process with exercises and resources.
- You can also visit their YouTube Channel.
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